


I Believe

by knightswatch



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Getting Better Together, Good Senpai Rin Matsuoka, M/M, Positive Coping, self-injury
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-18
Updated: 2015-06-18
Packaged: 2018-04-04 22:55:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4156077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/knightswatch/pseuds/knightswatch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i> Cause I have been where you are before</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Believe

**Author's Note:**

> From a song drabble on tumblr based on I Believe- Christina Perri and an idea that Thunar gave me. It would go in Hazards of Love but I wanted to separate it cuz of the content. Also it's a little long.

Things would have been much harder, Rin was aware if he hadn't had someone like Ai for a roommate. He was never quite sure where he found the energy to deal with all the anger and unpredictability and self-absorption that Rin had put him through during their year of living together. He'd absorbed all of it and come out on the other side with a smile still stuck to his face and told Rin that he didn't have anything to be sorry for. Sousuke ragged on him for being soft on Ai sometimes, but even if he had nothing to be sorry for (and Rin wasn't so sure that was true) it was impossible not to feel like he owed Ai a little more leeway than he might give to other people.

Like letting him borrow his English dictionary for two weeks without asking if he had actually lost it until Rin realized he needed it to phrase something in his email to Lori a little better. He huffed as he pushed himself back from the desk, clipping the lid of his laptop shut and making his way across the hall with no real irritation. He knocked and was surprised when he didn't receive an answer right away; did Ai let Momo drag him off somewhere again? Frowning, he banged his fist against the door a little louder. There was still no answer and with a roll of his eyes he twisted the handle, unsurprised to find that it wasn't locked. He'd just dig the dictionary out of Ai's piled up desk and just leave a note in case Ai needed it for anything else.

Only when he stepped into the room he was surprised to find that it wasn't empty at all. Ai wheeled around with a surprised sound, a slash of his arm sending a stack of papers flying one way, his grip with the other going loose with surprise and something light and metallic fell to his other side. He stared up at Rin with huge wet eyes, mouth hanging open in a little 'o' of shock. Rin blinked twice, quirking an eyebrow and wondering what exactly he could've caught Ai doing. He wasn't even blushing over it, instead his face was pale and tight and he sat frozen in the chair with his arm stuck out to one side like he didn't dare move it. His eyes flicked to it first, leading Rin's gaze there.

There were three thin slashes on his upper arm, horizontal and unevenly spaced, blood trailing out and dripping down towards the floor. He yelped like Rin had kicked him, covering them with his other hand quickly and swallowing hard. "S-senpai!"

Rin opened his mouth, feeling the beginning of a shout starting on his tongue before he clamped it shut quickly. How many times exactly had Ai caught him in the same position? Rin frowned, pushing the door shut and taking a slow breath to try and calm himself. Ai squirmed when he didn't say anything, hesitating before leaning forward and snatching a piece of paper out of the pile and crumpling it tightly in his hand. Rin rolled his eyes and sighed, stepping across the room and holding his hand out for it.

"Gimme that and go get some band-aids," he sighed, shaking his head when Ai hesitated again. "I'm not gonna look if you don't want me to. Just.. give it."

Ai frowned, ducking his head before passing it over. Rin tilted his head towards the bathroom, watching Ai slink off before leaning over and grabbing the metal piece as well. He stared at it for a moment before shaking his head and dropping it in the trash by Momo's marginally neater desk. He heard Ai trying to slide back in quietly but didn't look right away, instead grabbing a blank piece of paper out of his notebook and one of the pens that Ai had toppled over, setting them together on the desk before looking over his shoulder at Ai and giving him half a smile.

"Okay, now c'mere," he nodded at the chair, squeezing a hand around Ai's shoulder and sitting him down gently. It was a surprise that he hadn't burst into tears yet, and he seemed like he was still waiting for Rin to crack and start shouting. Instead he tapped a finger against the paper, leaning his back on the other desk. "Now you're gonna make a list of everything you wanna do in life."

Ai paused at that, turning to look up at Rin with his head cocked to the side a little. His brow scrunched together for a second and Rin could see the shine of tears in his eyes get thicker. "I-I don't really think-"

Rin held a hand up, tapping the paper again and smiling. "I don't care how stupid or impossible it is, I don't care if it's shit you wanna start next week or if it'll take you a hundred years to finish everything. I want a list."

"O-okay," Ai mumbled uncertainly. He drew a little line for the first part and then paused for awhile, hunching his shoulders inwards before he started writing. Rin didn't read what he wrote on it, standing by and watching without really focusing on the words until Ai stopped again, looking up at him with his teeth dug into his lower lip. "Y-you're not mad at me?"

"I don't really have the right to be," Rin sighed, clenching his hand into a fist before pushing the top of his jeans down on one side, revealing a series of thin scars carved into his flesh. He reached out with the other hand, grabbing Ai's wrist gently and pressing his pale fingers against them. There was a shake in his hands, but he ignored it, squeezing Ai's hand a little tighter. "But we can both get better, right?"

He raised an eyebrow at Ai and smiled when he nodded, giving his tiny hand an extra squeeze before letting go. Ai looked back to the list and frowned, stopping again when the front of the page was full. He swallowed, moving like he was going to hand it over until Rin shook his head with a small grin.

"Now, there's rules to this list," he started, leaning his palms against the smooth wood of the desk behind him. "Everything you finish on that list you get to cross out, and if you change your mind about something you can take it off, but you have to replace it with something else."

Ai blinked in confusion but nodded, glancing down at the paper again. Rin smiled, dropping so they were at eye level instead and cupping Ai's face between his hands. "But the biggest rule is that you can't do this again until you've crossed out everything on there, alright? Can you do that?"

Ai hesitated before nodding as much as Rin's hold let him, he squeezed his hand into a small fist, taking a deep breath. "O-okay. Um, when do I start d-doing them?"

"You already started," Rin nodded firmly, hesitating himself before leaning forward and planting a fleeting kiss against Ai's forehead, dropping his hands and standing slowly. "And if you need help you come beat down my door."

Ai's face went bright red, nodding hard as he looked up at Rin. He turned to go, giving Ai's hair a customary ruffle before stopping in surprise when Ai gripped his wrist gently. "R-Rin-senpai?"

He turned and cocked his head to the side, standing with his hand still balanced on the top of Ai's head and raising an eyebrow. Ai squirmed again, looking down and closing his eyes tightly for a second. "Th-thank you. I um, I'll try hard."

Ai frowned like he was unhappy with the words that came out of his mouth and Rin waited another moment before nodding and dropping his hand slowly. He glanced at the door then sighed softly, almost at himself before dropping to sit on the bed instead. "Let's watch that drama you like."

He was met with a stare that was equal parts delighted and confused, but Ai dove for his laptop anyways. He crawled onto the bunk next to Rin, pulling it up from his hard drive with a nod and a smile. Rin hated the stupid show, but he had no qualms at all about laying with Ai a few inches from his side and watching almost the whole damn thing, neither of them bothering to get up and flip the lights on when the sun sank down slowly and bathed the room in darkness broken only by the blue light from the screen.

 

It took three weeks after that for Ai to confess his crush to Rin. He grinned wider than he thought he could and tilted his chin up before kissing him. Ai scrambled away as soon as Rin stopped, digging the slightly beaten up list out of his bag and crossing out the third item down. Rin still didn't ask him about anything else he'd put on it, but on the bus back from nationals he saw Ai crossing something else out before folding it up and tucking it in his bag again, smiling so wide when he caught Rin looking that his eyes squinted shut.

 

It took six months for the list to vanish into the chaotic jumble of Ai's things. He called Rin in the middle of the say, catching him almost at the end of his break from training. He blinked as he answered the phone, catching the telltale sniffling before he'd even said hello.

"Ai? What's wrong?" He frowned, setting his drink down and stretching his legs out under him. Ai didn't call crying very much, and when he did he was always trying to hide it. There were several hiccuping breaths from the other end before he managed out an answer.

"M-my list is gone," it came out thick and confused from Ai's tears, but Rin frowned slightly to himself, pressing his fingers to his temples.

"Did you get Momo to help you look?" He asked, shaking his head at the miserable whimper he got in response. He sighed softly, rubbing the back of his neck. "I'm sure we'll find it when we pack all your shit up, but you can make a new one if you need to."

"B-but isn't that breaking the rules?" His voice was soft like he was scared he'd get in trouble somehow for the question. Rin blinked, sitting up a little straighter and cocking his head.

"Is that what you're worried about?" He paused before laughing softly. He knew he shouldn't, but it was born mostly out of relief. He and Ai both still had their dark days, and he was worried that losing the list would mean something far more serious than Ai being scared of the 'rules' he had just made up on the spot. Ai was strong enough to pull himself up, unlike Rin, he just needed a reminder of that sometimes. "No, you're not breaking the rules dummy."

"W-well I didn't know! You were so serious about them," Ai's tears had dissolved into grumbles and Rin laughed again, rolling his eyes.

"Of course I was, you scared the shit out of me," he sighed, pushing his hair back from his face and smiling. "We'll look for it when I come visit, I know you hate losing shit. Are you doing okay?"

"Y-yeah," Ai hiccuped softly but Rin could almost hear the smile creep back into his voice. "I just panicked b-because there was something I wanted to check off."

"Oh? Good day then?" Rin smiled, trying to keep the curiosity out of his voice. He'd never asked what was on the list, and he'd forced himself not to try and peek at it whenever Ai whipped it out to mark down another victory. 

"I got into that Australian university I was telling you about," Ai's answer was almost shy, and it was lost entirely to the triumphant shout that fell out of Rin's mouth without his permission. He could hear Ai giggling at his excitement but rather than growling at him like he might otherwise he endured his boyfriend's laughter with a smile.

"Well, I'm sure you won't forget once we find it," Rin managed around his grin, glancing up at his coach glaring at him with a sigh. "I have to get back in the water- I'll call you when I get done and you can tell me more about it, okay?"

"Mhmm," Ai paused for a second before he cleared his throat. "U-um, Rin? I-I love you."

He could feel his face go bright red at the soft words, squeezing his phone tighter and curling his toes with a soft smile. "Yeah, I love you too Ai."


End file.
